[ Right. She... had mentioned she had something to say on the train, didn't she. Well... she's already crying. ]
...when I was kidnapped, initially, I freaked out. I mean, why wouldn't I? I woke up in a room I didn't recognize in a place I figured would be where I'd die. Despite that, I had to push down my feelings. I had to move forward, or I'd drag everyone down with me. I'm a magi, I thought. I can handle something like this.
I tried hard to keep my cool... then, Inaba-san said she trusted me. I was happy, but it reminded me of how scared I actually was. Even so, I had to be strong. I had to keep going.
And then-- they made us choose. Not just for the Kami of Nothing, but Light, Darkness and... Rumors. Which was us. I hated it. I hate having to make a decision like that. Even so... I had to be strong. I couldn't pick myself over someone who desperately wanted to live, and I... couldn't not pick and have everyone die. So I pushed my feelings down again, and we started our decisions.
[ Inaba. Tap. Elliot. Rui. ]
...before we decided on us... when I was trying to determine what our next step should be, they showed us the Kami of Nothing room. The message, that Inaba had killed the two in the room. Knowing that was a lie, that we did it. I had to keep pushing my feelings down, and then--
[ "All of this is fucking bullshit!" ]
Inaba-san yelled out. I know she was afraid, I know she was trying to be strong too, but for once... I felt determination. She swore up a storm, told the Facility that they'd regret it, and then she fell away.
I... broke. I got mad, and I realized... I had to live. No matter what. I yelled back, that I wanted to be the kami.
...just that brief moment... convinced them that it shouldn't be me. Because I couldn't keep my cool. The longer things went on, the longer I put up a fight, the longer everyone else would suffer, so I gave up. I resigned myself to death, and then-- Taiga showed up. I thought I had killed us both.
I don't understand. I gave her a curse, I made her that upset, I broke her trust... and she still didn't blame me. But, I knew, I couldn't help her. It had to be you. From the start, I knew it had to be you.
...I'm so jealous of Inaba-san, I don't know what to do. I wanted you to save me, but I knew you'd go for her first. Because that's how it had to be. That's what made sense.
[ She feels like she's rambling, and she hates this. ]
...I've been a terrible friend. To both of you. I'm so upset, it's no wonder that she doesn't want me around. I don't want to be around, if it causes so much trouble for both of you.
[This is his first time hearing in full what happened at the Facikity… well. From someone who isn’t Speck: They had such a clinical explanation that Yuuto thought they could be Facility staff.
Recognizing resentment and anger in himself still feels strange. Hearing that Ryoko’s kind nature was tested and pushed to the point that she sounds so broken- He’s angry. It burns his heart in a way that he’s not used to. But he listens, all of the way until the end…
And there’s a lot he should say. He breaths in to steady himself and sort his emotions. It’s always been easy to talk to Ryoko. Now is no different. Because if lovers can have fights, like she’s always told him, then so can friends. This is his first real friction with Ryoko and it feels awful… But he’s not the person who gives up anymore.]
I… I was so scared when I saw you were gone. Because I feel like we can do anything when we’re together. We can even dream of a future that our fates tell us is impossible, but… You were gone. And I got really scared. I wanted to find you- Inaba too, but also you. Because I can’t imagine living without you anymore. You’re my best friend.
I knew I wouldn’t get ‘your’ key from Aisaka… She or Fauna would probably have actually bitten me, you know? So I took Inaba’s and I had to make a bet that you’d be together…
[His voice trails off. He knows that didn’t turn out to be the case. He got tricked and used to hurt Inaba.]
I’m sorry. Knowing that doesn’t help…
When Aisaka and you got together I-I… I got a bit jealous too. I felt like I was going to be in your way. Because you two are going to get to have jobs in this world, and make friends, and grow with them and… and age… and get smarter and wiser. And I’m not going to. I’m going to stay a stupid teenager, who does reckless things and makes you angry… So when I saw the way Aisaka and you could comfort each other I-I… I thought… I was really happy… That you didn’t need my friendship like I needed yours.
But I’ve been selfish and tried to stay anyway… I’m sorry. If space helps, I… [He still can’t say that he agrees. But he won’t argue either.]
[ All this time, it hurt. It really, truly hurt knowing this was her conclusion. That she felt this bitter, this upset that she let anything break her bond with Yuuto crushed her heart.
Even right now. She wants to tell him, she doesn't truly believe him. It's so unfair, she wants to just... go.
Instead, she shakes her head. ]
I... It's not because of you. I want to be clear.
It's... we talk a lot about different versions of ourselves, and who we are. I... genuinely don't like the Asakura Ryoko that I am right now. I know that if I don't do this, I'll make things worse. Intentionally or not.
...when I find your best friend again, the Asakura Ryoko that can laugh and joke with you again... I'll find you. I promise.
[He’s doing his best to believe her, but it’s hard. Yuuto has already been waiting since the timeloop for a moment when Ryoko and him can just chill together. It isn’t her fault either. It just sucks that things have turned out this way.
So he nods again. His heart feels like it’s breaking, but he reminds himself that it’ll be fine this time. He can be patient for a while longer.]
[Yuuto isn’t a fan of the times when he cries. It means that he isn’t keeping himself in check and he knows how much it hurts people when he cries. Especially since his tears come out black and gooey and make everyone so scared and worried.
But when she suggests it, Yuuto feels his mask crack. He nods shakily, gritting his teeth to fight back any sad sounds that might come with the tears.]
Mmmm..! But… But I’m icky… I’m sorry. I’m okay, just gross.
[He’s not sure what to do at first. He’s supposed to be smiling. Everyone and everything is falling apart around him, but he needs to be happy. He’s going to be stronger this time. He’s going to be kinder and smarter. He’s going to take care of his friends and family and actually save this world, because he loves them all.
Because he was going to live here with Ryoko.
But when he puts his head on her shoulder and hugs her back, all of that starts to crumble. He’s an idiot, he’s a coward, he can’t do anything again except watch. This world isn’t a beautiful place. It’s a cruel and awful nightmare. It hurt Ryoko. It’s taking his best friend away.
For the first time, Yuuto hates it. He cries because he’s sad and angry and scared and because he really, really hates the world that keeps teasing him with happiness and taking it away, and making it impossible for him to win.
Once he’s cried out, Yuuto just stands and whimpers. He’s tired… His heart aches… But he slips his mask back on, like always, and reminds himself that he has to keeping going.]
[ For her credit... she can't hold herself back either. She cries herself, still holding on. His tears hurt both ways, but she'll bear that agony. After all, when you're on top of the world, it's a long way to fall.
Selfishly, stupidly. Ryoko had to do this when Yuuto was meant to be at his happiest.
She can't hide behind a mask. She's heartbroken, having hurt her best friend this deeply. ]
...It's okay. I'll... just have to change when I get home.
[ A weak joke as she detaches herself, sniffling a little more. ]
I love you, Yumeno Yuuto. I'm sorry. I'll... please, wait for me.
[ And with that... she has to go. Any more, and she might crumble further. ]
[Yuuto scrubs his face until the last of the goo seems to be cleared. He reminds himself to have hope and trust and to know she’ll come back… she has to come back. The great thing about waiting is that it doesn’t have to end. If the other party never comes back, then at least he can hang in a hopeful limbo for the rest of his life. This doesn’t have to hurt. He can do this.
Reminding himself of this, Yuuto removes his hands from his face and looks up again with a fake smile.]
Yeah… I love you too, Ryoko.
I hope you find a ‘Ryoko’ that you love as much as I do. I… I know you’ll be okay. See you…
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ She knew that was part of it. That had to be looming over them still. Yet, she thinks on how she ran to his side to try and keep him on the ground.
Ryoko was always there for Yuuto. But... she couldn't be. She simply couldn't. ]
...Yuuto. I'm. I'm so jealous. I don't even know why.
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Do you know what you’re jealous of..?
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[ Right. She... had mentioned she had something to say on the train, didn't she. Well... she's already crying. ]
...when I was kidnapped, initially, I freaked out. I mean, why wouldn't I? I woke up in a room I didn't recognize in a place I figured would be where I'd die. Despite that, I had to push down my feelings. I had to move forward, or I'd drag everyone down with me. I'm a magi, I thought. I can handle something like this.
I tried hard to keep my cool... then, Inaba-san said she trusted me. I was happy, but it reminded me of how scared I actually was. Even so, I had to be strong. I had to keep going.
And then-- they made us choose. Not just for the Kami of Nothing, but Light, Darkness and... Rumors. Which was us. I hated it. I hate having to make a decision like that. Even so... I had to be strong. I couldn't pick myself over someone who desperately wanted to live, and I... couldn't not pick and have everyone die. So I pushed my feelings down again, and we started our decisions.
[ Inaba. Tap. Elliot. Rui. ]
...before we decided on us... when I was trying to determine what our next step should be, they showed us the Kami of Nothing room. The message, that Inaba had killed the two in the room. Knowing that was a lie, that we did it. I had to keep pushing my feelings down, and then--
[ "All of this is fucking bullshit!" ]
Inaba-san yelled out. I know she was afraid, I know she was trying to be strong too, but for once... I felt determination. She swore up a storm, told the Facility that they'd regret it, and then she fell away.
I... broke. I got mad, and I realized... I had to live. No matter what. I yelled back, that I wanted to be the kami.
...just that brief moment... convinced them that it shouldn't be me. Because I couldn't keep my cool. The longer things went on, the longer I put up a fight, the longer everyone else would suffer, so I gave up. I resigned myself to death, and then-- Taiga showed up. I thought I had killed us both.
I don't understand. I gave her a curse, I made her that upset, I broke her trust... and she still didn't blame me. But, I knew, I couldn't help her. It had to be you. From the start, I knew it had to be you.
...I'm so jealous of Inaba-san, I don't know what to do. I wanted you to save me, but I knew you'd go for her first. Because that's how it had to be. That's what made sense.
[ She feels like she's rambling, and she hates this. ]
...I've been a terrible friend. To both of you. I'm so upset, it's no wonder that she doesn't want me around. I don't want to be around, if it causes so much trouble for both of you.
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Recognizing resentment and anger in himself still feels strange. Hearing that Ryoko’s kind nature was tested and pushed to the point that she sounds so broken- He’s angry. It burns his heart in a way that he’s not used to. But he listens, all of the way until the end…
And there’s a lot he should say. He breaths in to steady himself and sort his emotions. It’s always been easy to talk to Ryoko. Now is no different. Because if lovers can have fights, like she’s always told him, then so can friends. This is his first real friction with Ryoko and it feels awful… But he’s not the person who gives up anymore.]
I… I was so scared when I saw you were gone. Because I feel like we can do anything when we’re together. We can even dream of a future that our fates tell us is impossible, but… You were gone. And I got really scared. I wanted to find you- Inaba too, but also you. Because I can’t imagine living without you anymore. You’re my best friend.
I knew I wouldn’t get ‘your’ key from Aisaka… She or Fauna would probably have actually bitten me, you know? So I took Inaba’s and I had to make a bet that you’d be together…
[His voice trails off. He knows that didn’t turn out to be the case. He got tricked and used to hurt Inaba.]
I’m sorry. Knowing that doesn’t help…
When Aisaka and you got together I-I… I got a bit jealous too. I felt like I was going to be in your way. Because you two are going to get to have jobs in this world, and make friends, and grow with them and… and age… and get smarter and wiser. And I’m not going to. I’m going to stay a stupid teenager, who does reckless things and makes you angry… So when I saw the way Aisaka and you could comfort each other I-I… I thought… I was really happy… That you didn’t need my friendship like I needed yours.
But I’ve been selfish and tried to stay anyway… I’m sorry. If space helps, I… [He still can’t say that he agrees. But he won’t argue either.]
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Even right now. She wants to tell him, she doesn't truly believe him. It's so unfair, she wants to just... go.
Instead, she shakes her head. ]
I... It's not because of you. I want to be clear.
It's... we talk a lot about different versions of ourselves, and who we are. I... genuinely don't like the Asakura Ryoko that I am right now. I know that if I don't do this, I'll make things worse. Intentionally or not.
...when I find your best friend again, the Asakura Ryoko that can laugh and joke with you again... I'll find you. I promise.
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So he nods again. His heart feels like it’s breaking, but he reminds himself that it’ll be fine this time. He can be patient for a while longer.]
I… mm. Okay.
I’ll… I’ll wait… I’ll be here… I’ll miss you.
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[ ...
She. Does want to be selfish. Just for one second. ]
Can... I hug you, before I go?
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But when she suggests it, Yuuto feels his mask crack. He nods shakily, gritting his teeth to fight back any sad sounds that might come with the tears.]
Mmmm..! But… But I’m icky… I’m sorry. I’m okay, just gross.
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[ Ryoko steps forward, hesitantly, but slowly wrapping her arms around him. She knows she's going to continue to cry herself, but shakily... ]
For just a moment... I'll protect you this time. It's okay.
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Because he was going to live here with Ryoko.
But when he puts his head on her shoulder and hugs her back, all of that starts to crumble. He’s an idiot, he’s a coward, he can’t do anything again except watch. This world isn’t a beautiful place. It’s a cruel and awful nightmare. It hurt Ryoko. It’s taking his best friend away.
For the first time, Yuuto hates it. He cries because he’s sad and angry and scared and because he really, really hates the world that keeps teasing him with happiness and taking it away, and making it impossible for him to win.
Once he’s cried out, Yuuto just stands and whimpers. He’s tired… His heart aches… But he slips his mask back on, like always, and reminds himself that he has to keeping going.]
… I got you gross. I’m sowwyyy.
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Selfishly, stupidly. Ryoko had to do this when Yuuto was meant to be at his happiest.
She can't hide behind a mask. She's heartbroken, having hurt her best friend this deeply. ]
...It's okay. I'll... just have to change when I get home.
[ A weak joke as she detaches herself, sniffling a little more. ]
I love you, Yumeno Yuuto. I'm sorry. I'll... please, wait for me.
[ And with that... she has to go. Any more, and she might crumble further. ]
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Reminding himself of this, Yuuto removes his hands from his face and looks up again with a fake smile.]
Yeah… I love you too, Ryoko.
I hope you find a ‘Ryoko’ that you love as much as I do. I… I know you’ll be okay. See you…