When Ryoko thought about it, she hadn't actually seen him for a while. Truthfully, despite both of their best efforts, they were never actually close or even particularly friendly... but, he was still important to Yuuto, wasn't he? Even after they split.
Ryoko's squeezes his hand slightly... a small sign that he can drop it if he wants, but... she'll start. ]
What makes you say that? You know that it wasn't just you two working in "spacetime" at the end, right?
[He shouldn’t have said it. Because now that it’s out there, Yuuto feels sick. He can’t help but imagine his ex lover and retrace the memories that he feels he no longer deserves.]
Everyone else made it on the train… But I lost him. He was really happy to be changing… to being kinder and not having to hurt people and I- I lost… that Akutagawa…
I erased him, like how I erased Tau-san’s family… Elliot-kun’s mother… and there’s no way to bring any of them back.
[ Ryoko's grip might grow tighter, it might hurt a little, but she's half using it to keep him calm. ]
Sometimes, people disappear. I hate to say I'm used to it, but that's what happens. But just because they disappear, that doesn't mean they don't exist anymore. Somewhere, some place in time, Akutagawa-san is still out there. If he can, he'll find his way back here.
Even if he doesn't... you won't forget him. I know you won't.
[Sometimes Yuuto wonders if it might feel nice to cry. Maybe if he cried more, then he wouldn’t reach these points where the sadness didn’t become a heavy pressure in this chest that felt like it could suffocate him. He wouldn’t feel himself on the verge of a panic attack as he looked at Ryoko, processing her words and his guilt and his lost love all at once.
But something she says catches his attention. As much as he wishes he could cry, all of that sadness retreats behind a door somewhere in his heart and it easily locked away. He has more important things to worry about.]
[ Right. She... really didn't have the right words to say. That's fine though... maybe one day, she'll figure it out. For now, Ryoko lightly leans against him. ]
I do. There are so many people who shaped who I am now that I'll never get to thank. People who told me to be realistic about who I was. I'm not from a world where there's magic, or kami or spirits. My friends aren't out to kill each other, or defend themselves from being killed. I should have fallen into despair a long, long time ago, and I would have if I were alone.
But, day by day, I'm still growing. The new people I meet, the friends I've made throughout my life... I lose them, but I still hold a spot for them in my heart, if we somehow meet again.
...I'm okay, though. My life's here. In this world, with you and your family. With Taiga. I'll protect it as long as I can, so our lost loves can be proud.
[It’s so much easier to think about Ryoko than it is to think about himself. He hates that about himself: He’s so tired that he still feels ready to crack at a moment’s notice. At least Ryoko is warm. There are a lot of things to hate about the world as it is, but there’s a lot to love too.
He closes his eyes.]
Yeah. I’m sorry… I got emotional.
B-But. [He tries to cheer himself up, before he can start crying about Akutagawa-] I am living with Elliot, Leo, and Mu now… Sort of. I got them a house and I come over to take care of them.
You don't have to apologize for that. Get as emotional as you want. I'm here if you need to lean on me too. I know expressing that isn't easy, but... take your time. I'll still be here.
[ Ryoko promised, after all. No matter what, she was going to be there for him. She had to be. ]
...that's good, though. I'll have to come and visit. Any chance I get to meet the families you make, I'll be there. You've got so much to take care of... I'll be around to help take care of you, Yuuto. Whenever you ask for me.
[It’s so strange to hear that someone would look out for him. And after trying to be used to the idea of not seeing her anymore, it’s almost surreal to have Ryoko back again. Yuuto catches himself leaning back, but he’s too tired to cry. The most he can manage is trembling.]
Mm. I’d like to have you and Aisaka-san over for dinner. Elliot and Leo are really lonely… I don’t think that they have anywhere to go but here.
[He’s really worried. But of course he is. Yuuto always worries.
He’s quite a moment, then nervously asks.]
Is this really okay? I don’t have to stay away anymore?
That sounds good to me. And... no. You don't have to. You have my permission to rattle me around if I go back on my word.
[ And, with that, she does let go of his hand, but only to pull him back into a hug. Not asking this time. ]
I'm sorry for putting you through this. It never really occurred to me, but you do so much to make sure nobody's lonely, and yet... you're the loneliest one here, aren't you?
I won't let you feel that way anymore. No matter what happens, I want to be here for you.
[The hug catches him off guard. Yuuto had been overwhelmed just knowing that they would be able to hang out again. Now with the hug and Ryoko calling him out…
Only Himeko has ever acknowledged that lonely part of him. Yuuto’s breath hitches and the voice he finds feels tight and shaky, like he’s crying but without the watery tears. He makes a miserable noise as he nods and hugs her back.]
… It’s okay if I’m lonely. I can do this. [He has for over a hundred years. Yuuto has spent so long without anyone to acknowledge his pain.] But I don’t want for anyone else to feel this way. Elliot or Leo or you or Aisaka-san… Fauna-chan and Kokoro-san too… Tap-san… Akutagawa, Inaba, everyone…
I want everyone to have each other. Even if I can’t stay. It’s still okay.
[It’s not okay. But Yuuto is too scared to admit that.]
And we will. But as long as I can reach you, you won't be lonely. Taiga won't let you be either. Inaba-san sure as hell won't.
I owe you so much time we lost. We have to see a Reblooming together, and have to talk about our dates. I wanna hear what adventures you have, and what you've learned about recently.
So don't cry, Yumeno Yuuto. Asakura-san's here. I'll keep you safe.
[Admitting that, which contradicts what he tells people, makes his voice crack. He’s careful not to let himself cry on his best friend, needing another minute to calm down. Then he gives a small nod, mindful not to break their hug yet.]
A picnic would be nice… I want to see the blossoms together. I want to make a picnic basket together.
And that's not good! We're not going to have you compete with work for her affections! This is one of the times were you have to be a little more pushy!
[ She steps away just a bit, giving him a bit of room. ]
...hmm.
[ ...she just said she can't blindly offer, but... ]
Maybe... I can work as her personal assistant? I'll help her during work hours, you can help her off of the clock when you're able to. I'll check on whether or not that's okay with her.
I don't know that she accepts me as a friend just yet, but I do want to make sure she doesn't burn out like I did.
I think that’s true for being her friend… But I don’t like that she’s working so hard and no one else is offering to help her. Inaba takes on so much responsibility for us and it’s not fair…
Well... if you're really sure, then I'll do it. I'll ask her in person, even. I mean, I'll check with Taiga if she thinks it's alright for me to do? I know she doesn't want me to overwork either.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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When Ryoko thought about it, she hadn't actually seen him for a while. Truthfully, despite both of their best efforts, they were never actually close or even particularly friendly... but, he was still important to Yuuto, wasn't he? Even after they split.
Ryoko's squeezes his hand slightly... a small sign that he can drop it if he wants, but... she'll start. ]
What makes you say that? You know that it wasn't just you two working in "spacetime" at the end, right?
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Everyone else made it on the train… But I lost him. He was really happy to be changing… to being kinder and not having to hurt people and I- I lost… that Akutagawa…
I erased him, like how I erased Tau-san’s family… Elliot-kun’s mother… and there’s no way to bring any of them back.
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[ Ryoko's grip might grow tighter, it might hurt a little, but she's half using it to keep him calm. ]
Sometimes, people disappear. I hate to say I'm used to it, but that's what happens. But just because they disappear, that doesn't mean they don't exist anymore. Somewhere, some place in time, Akutagawa-san is still out there. If he can, he'll find his way back here.
Even if he doesn't... you won't forget him. I know you won't.
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But something she says catches his attention. As much as he wishes he could cry, all of that sadness retreats behind a door somewhere in his heart and it easily locked away. He has more important things to worry about.]
… you lose people too?
Are you okay, Ryoko?
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I do. There are so many people who shaped who I am now that I'll never get to thank. People who told me to be realistic about who I was. I'm not from a world where there's magic, or kami or spirits. My friends aren't out to kill each other, or defend themselves from being killed. I should have fallen into despair a long, long time ago, and I would have if I were alone.
But, day by day, I'm still growing. The new people I meet, the friends I've made throughout my life... I lose them, but I still hold a spot for them in my heart, if we somehow meet again.
...I'm okay, though. My life's here. In this world, with you and your family. With Taiga. I'll protect it as long as I can, so our lost loves can be proud.
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He closes his eyes.]
Yeah. I’m sorry… I got emotional.
B-But. [He tries to cheer himself up, before he can start crying about Akutagawa-] I am living with Elliot, Leo, and Mu now… Sort of. I got them a house and I come over to take care of them.
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[ Ryoko promised, after all. No matter what, she was going to be there for him. She had to be. ]
...that's good, though. I'll have to come and visit. Any chance I get to meet the families you make, I'll be there. You've got so much to take care of... I'll be around to help take care of you, Yuuto. Whenever you ask for me.
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Mm. I’d like to have you and Aisaka-san over for dinner. Elliot and Leo are really lonely… I don’t think that they have anywhere to go but here.
[He’s really worried. But of course he is. Yuuto always worries.
He’s quite a moment, then nervously asks.]
Is this really okay? I don’t have to stay away anymore?
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[ And, with that, she does let go of his hand, but only to pull him back into a hug. Not asking this time. ]
I'm sorry for putting you through this. It never really occurred to me, but you do so much to make sure nobody's lonely, and yet... you're the loneliest one here, aren't you?
I won't let you feel that way anymore. No matter what happens, I want to be here for you.
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Only Himeko has ever acknowledged that lonely part of him. Yuuto’s breath hitches and the voice he finds feels tight and shaky, like he’s crying but without the watery tears. He makes a miserable noise as he nods and hugs her back.]
… It’s okay if I’m lonely. I can do this. [He has for over a hundred years. Yuuto has spent so long without anyone to acknowledge his pain.] But I don’t want for anyone else to feel this way. Elliot or Leo or you or Aisaka-san… Fauna-chan and Kokoro-san too… Tap-san… Akutagawa, Inaba, everyone…
I want everyone to have each other. Even if I can’t stay. It’s still okay.
[It’s not okay. But Yuuto is too scared to admit that.]
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I owe you so much time we lost. We have to see a Reblooming together, and have to talk about our dates. I wanna hear what adventures you have, and what you've learned about recently.
So don't cry, Yumeno Yuuto. Asakura-san's here. I'll keep you safe.
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[Admitting that, which contradicts what he tells people, makes his voice crack. He’s careful not to let himself cry on his best friend, needing another minute to calm down. Then he gives a small nod, mindful not to break their hug yet.]
A picnic would be nice… I want to see the blossoms together. I want to make a picnic basket together.
And ask Inaba to relax with us.
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We can steal her from the Canis Major office. I know it'll be a hard sell to get her to relax in the first place.
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[He’s joking.
That’s why it worries him.]
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I need to ask people to help her…
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...I can help with Canis Major, but I don't want to just blindly offer it, you know? I know she wouldn't just ask, but I want to do what I can.
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I know she loves me. I love her too… But I’m worried that she’ll work too hard again. I want to help too, but I have to stay out of sight still…
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...hmm.
[ ...she just said she can't blindly offer, but... ]
Maybe... I can work as her personal assistant? I'll help her during work hours, you can help her off of the clock when you're able to. I'll check on whether or not that's okay with her.
I don't know that she accepts me as a friend just yet, but I do want to make sure she doesn't burn out like I did.
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[Yuuto gasps.]
If you could… If everyone could help her… I want her to know that we care about her. She’s done so much!
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[ Ushio... or rather, Ushio acting as Inaba's warning held true in her mind. If Ryoko helped her the way that she'd help everyone else... ]
I... kinda wanna do that for myself. I've already tried being friends with the Inaba-san that I put on a pedestal and thought was extra amazing.
This time, I want her to know that I'm there to help her personally. I'm not sure how helpful it would be if everyone offered to help, honestly...
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Especially now.
[That she was Distorted.]
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I uh, might get grounded again.
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By the way. How's the tonkatsu?
[ teasing, just a bit. ]
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